Just Joking

The American Express Card: Don't Be Homeless Without It.

San Francisco, April 31 (Reuters)--An advocate for the homeless in San Francisco, Calif., has proposed that the city's panhandlers be equipped to accept credit cards. The "Benevolent Box Program" would give credit card readers to street beggars to help them accept donations from passersby. The program is an "innovative plan, which empowers homeless persons to take responsible action for their lives," said an enthusiastic Mayor Willie Brown. "It's more than a Band-Aid solution," says Karen Gatter, who thought up the program.

Bert & Ernie Announce New Merger

NEW YORK, September 21 (FM) -- In a move that rocked the Wall Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a move that will position them into the No. 2 spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney.

In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their market share.

"This is a logical move for us," said Bert. "'Share' is our favorite word."

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NEWS FLASH!!! Marilyn Monroe sighting at Family Gathering.

Ponder This

· If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

· When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

· If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

· What's another word for thesaurus?

· Why is abbreviation such a long word?

· Do vegetarians eat animal cookies?

· Is there another word for synonym?

· Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

There are two rules for ultimate success in life.
1. Never tell everything you know.

No Charge For the Haircut

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

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St. Peter's Day Off

Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off.

"Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need."

As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane.

As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven."

"We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?"

"Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special !"

With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike."

As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!"

Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio!"

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. He, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

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Oklahoma City-Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying, and then said, "I should have blown your head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

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An escapee from a San Mateo County jail was caught at a pay phone after he mistakenly called 911 instead of 411.

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A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

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When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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Clowns Toon